Vladimir Putin is a Bully - Where are the Upstanders?

I've been processing everything going on with the war in Ukraine. Every day my heart breaks a little more as the world leaders simply stand by and allow a country to be destroyed because they are too afraid to stand up to a bully.

I've been working through my grief and my anger. I have moved from actively numbing out with endless news consumption and am now absorbing what I can in small bites and stopping when I need to feel things. I have been examining my personal and genetic trauma as a Jew watching another tyrant commit genocide while the world talks of support but stops just short of being useful. I am doing my work to integrate this trauma and look for wisdom.

I understand it's nuanced. I understand it's complicated. Nobody wants to shoot down a Russian military plane to enforce a no-fly zone. President Zelensky says, "shoot down the missiles." Why can't we say yes to that?

I'm not a politician. It's not a game I understand.

What I do understand is bullying.

I taught workshops for years about bullying and how to stand up to it. I taught parents how to work with teachers and administrators to protect their children. Sometimes I talked to kids and their parents about when it's time to break the rules and defend themself, and what to expect if that was the choice they made because there would be repercussions.

It dawned on me today that maybe I can understand what's happening in Ukraine if I look through this lens. So what do we teach kids about bullies, and how can that apply here?

1. Bullies Want an Audience

2. Bystanders are Part of the Problem

3. Sometimes You Have to be Willing to Escalate

Bullies Want an Audience

Regardless of what drives someone to bully another person, what they are looking for is a sense of power, and giving them an audience will feed that need. They crave attention, and they don't really care if the attention is praise or condemnation. What they care about is that they are visible and that they are at the center of it all. It makes them feel powerful.

Granted, we haven't seen Putin's face on news streams much, but the news coverage is all about him and what he's doing. I have an image in my mind of Vlad sitting in a chair, stroking a hairless cat, and laughing his sinister laugh every time the media talks about the latest thing that Russia has done.

Instead of focusing on the sanctions being lobbed at Russia or speaking of what Putin has "offered" as a way out of this conflict, what if we only reported on Ukraine's responses, requests, and heroism? What if we stopped using his name and replaced it with a very diminutive moniker (like Little Vlady)? What if the only time we heard "Russia" was in connection to its PEOPLE, what they want, and their courage in defying their government by protesting in the streets? Instead, referring to "invading forces" or "the occupying military." Could we report on this war responsibly and still take the spotlight off the bully? I think maybe we could.

Bystanders are Part of the Problem

Bullies count on their reputation to scare people into inactivity and silence. They rely on the fact that most people won't want to get involved because they are afraid of the consequences if they do. We teach children that bystanders are part of the problem, and we need to be brave enough to be "upstanders" - as in people who will stand up for the victim and stand with them.

Where are the upstanders for Ukraine?

I heard about individuals who have gone to Ukraine to volunteer to join their military - something like 18,000 of them. I am AWED by these people. They are heroes. Could members of the military from other countries be given the chance to volunteer and go fight?

The Russian citizens who are willing to protest and speak out against this war are also heroes.

Neighboring countries are stepping up to welcome and support the 1.5 million people who have fled Ukraine. The people working with refugees are upstanders, as are the people and organizations supplying humanitarian aid. Financial support is also a way of standing up from afar.

While international governments are standing by, people around the world are standing up. This gives me hope.

Sometimes You Have to be Willing to Escalate

Every time President Zelensky asks for military support from a country that claims to be an ally, the response is the same, "we are afraid of escalating this situation." I appreciate that. There's a madman with nukes running rampant (again).

This is why people need backup when standing up to a bully. I've never suggested that someone stick their face between their friend's face and someone's fist. But we do know that when enough people stand up against a bully at the same time, the bully backs down. We also know that if you don't pull the bully back until their victim is curled up in a ball on the ground, you waited too long to help.

Sometimes it's enough to take the audience away. Sometimes it's enough to dole out discipline, but sometimes you have to be willing to escalate. And if it comes to that, you must act knowing that there will be consequences to you as well as to the bully. Sadly, sometimes there doesn't seem to be any other way out. You look for a way to do as little harm as possible, and you prepare yourself to accept the fallout.

What's the plan here? Is international leadership waiting until little Vlady completely destroys this country? Are they waiting until he moves into the second country? The third? How long until they recognize the sanctions aren't working and that this has already escalated to needing intervention? Because at SOME point the world leaders will realize that they have to stand up. They can wait until it's their land and their people, or they can stand up with Ukraine now.

The Ukrainian people (not just their military) are fighting back against a military force that outnumbers them 10 to 1. Their cities are unrecognizable. Every day they must face this giant. Why must they face it alone?

Little Vlady has a plan. It includes the assumption that the world will sit back and watch him destroy a land and a people because his country has the economic reach and theirs does not. He is counting on the world leadership standing by. He was also counting on Ukraine being an easy target. They have not been. They need everyone to stand by their side. One nation stepping up and saying "we're coming" will lead to an escalation that could be globally devastating. ENOUGH nations standing at the same time could make a difference.

I realize that world politics is not as simple as stopping a bully. In fact, I realize that actually standing up to a bully on a playground or in an office is not as simple as what I teach. But we have to start somewhere, and right now I hope we find a way to start before it's too late.