When your teen says, "I'm being bullied..."

Bullying has always been an issue in schools. As technology grows, the opportunities for a child to be bullied have broadened. At the turn of the century (yep, I said it), bullying occurred at school, on the playground, on the school bus, on a sports team, at camp - always in person. Today, bullying happens in person, over text, on social media - anywhere that teens can gather in person or virtually, they may have to deal with bullying.

As bullying prevention month draws to a close, I want to talk briefly about what to do when your child comes to you about being bullied.

Here are the three biggest mistakes parents make when they hear their child has been bullied - followed by three tips on what to do instead.

Three Pitfalls to Avoid

The hardest part of being a parent is knowing that there are times when your children will feel hurt, and there will be nothing you can do to prevent it. When a parent hears that their child is the victim of bullying it can be triggering, and the best parents might trip up in their response. Here are some of the things I've seen.

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1. Over-reacting

One of the biggest reasons that

children don't tell their parents about a problem with bullying is that they are afraid their parents will overreact. This can range from a dramatic response to simply going into "fix it" mode. "Overreacting" looks different to a teen than to a parent.

I remember a fourteen-year-old who was missing a lot of school. As it became a bigger problem, his parents started asking more direct questions. It turned out he was being bullied every day in PE. When I asked him why he had waited to tell his parents, he said, "I knew they'd overreact. And I was right." What was this overreaction? They spoke to a teacher and the school counselor - who spoke to the bullies - and now he looked like he ran to his parents.

Hearing about your child getting bullied can be very triggering. You may worry about how bad it is, or imagine how much worse it could get. You may feel guilty that you didn't better prepare or protect your child. You may want to fix it all right away - to jump in and take care of it for them. All of these responses are valid and understandable. They also are about you, not your child. You will need to tuck these away in the short term in order to support your child. You'll have time to work on your own reactions without them.

2. Minimizing the Problem

"Are you sure you aren't making a big deal about this?"

"It's not really that bad."

"It happens to everyone at some point."

You'd be surprised how often these are the responses parents have when their children report bullying at school. Maybe they remember when bullying always involved physical harm. Maybe they just don't want to see it.

It's important to remember how much courage it took for your teen to ask for support. They may have tried to talk to a teacher and not been believed. They may have heard from their friends that it "isn't a big deal." Imagine what it would feel like to come home and hear the same thing.

3. Taking away their power

Bullying almost always includes an imbalance of power. If you think of the different scenarios of dealing with bullies, this is what they all have in common. The bullying behavior is designed to reduce self-esteem and to establish that one person is less than the other.

Parents will often immediately step in and want to solve the problem for their teen. As well-intended as this is, it can sometimes reinforce the message that they are a victim and have no power to stand up for themselves.

Three Tips to Help Your Teen

How do we turn these pitfalls into a productive process to help your teen? Here are three tips to help.

1. Remember, It's about THEM

Make sure to check your own reactions until you are done helping your teen.

Focus on what they are telling you and what they are asking for.

Embrace the Socratic Method - ask questions instead of giving advice. Learn more about what happened. Ask how they are feeling, what they've already tried, who else knows, how long it's been going on.

Empathize with them. Let them know you are there for them, and that you believe what they're telling you.

2. Help Them Strategize

Rather than stepping in and rescuing your teen, you can help them regain some confidence and control by letting them take the lead. Ask them what they think the next steps are and how they want to see this resolved. Help them make plans to get from where they are now to where they want to be.

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The plans can include which steps to take to prevent future problems - like having someone to walk to their next class with or to eat lunch with.

You might include a plan for what to do if it's starting to happen again. If it's verbal bullying, try to role-play some responses. If it's physical bullying, consider having them learn some basic self-defense. Go over some bullying prevention strategies with them as well.

If they told you, they may be ready to tell a trusted adult at school. Help them gather their evidence, plan who to tell and what to say, and let them practice with you.

3. Know When and How to Step In

Even as you let your teen take the lead, stay aware of the situation. One very important thing to do is to document everything you've already been told and to let your teen know to continue documenting anything that happens in the future.

If at some point it becomes necessary to bring in a school administrator, a teacher, or the police, you will want to have as much background information as possible.

Take screenshots of any online activity, including texts. Write notes down with dates, times, and locations of any in-person issues. This is even more important if the bullying crosses a line that requires going to the police. (Like doxing)

If it gets to the point where you feel you need to step in and take action, talk to your teen about it first. Let them know why you are stepping in and what you plan to do. Keep them in the loop as much as you can. If you reach out to a teacher or administrator without telling your teen and they find out, it may feel like a betrayal. This could shut down any open line of communication that you've been creating.

Nobody wants to see their children suffer. They want their school experience to be about spending time with other young people, head high, making friends, and discovering all their unique qualities. Sometimes we can't avoid problems like bullying, and that's when it's important to have as much support as possible for your teens.

Check here to learn more about my teen coaching program and how I can help your teen focus on their self-confidence.