The Stories We Tell Ourselves

One of the most powerful questions my coach ever asked me was, "what's the story you're telling yourself about this?"

She didn't ask about my "limiting beliefs" or about the obstacles I was facing. She didn't ask me how I could see it differently. And yet, she also did more than meet me in the struggle.

When we tell stories we are actively creating something. There's even an implication that it's (at least partially) made up. In story-telling, we weave a tale and create a mood. Even if it's based on fact, there's an element of choice in what to include, what to exclude, and what point I want to make.

This question, "what's the story you're telling yourself?" is incredibly powerful because if I'm telling one story, I can easily tell a different one. I just have to be willing to look at the story and make some edits.

One story I could tell about myself is this:

I have Persistent Concussion Symptoms (PCS). If I work too hard or train too much, or if I spend too much time with other people, I run out of energy and my brain stops functioning like a normal human being. I can't go hiking or take long drives because I still have vestibular problems. Sitting in a crowded restaurant with a lot of people is completely overwhelming. There are a lot of things I can't do that I used to do.

But the story I that I choose to tell is this one:

I am recovering from PCS. I'm better today than I was last year, even though I still have a way to go. My big goal right now is to be able to go to Disneyland in 2023. In order to do this, I'll have to keep training my brain to get over the issues I have with crowds, loud noises, flashy lights, and recognizing where I am in time and space. Fortunately, I'm a lot better than I used to be. I can even work a 40-hour workweek now, although I prefer to spread it out over six days instead of five.

My second story is hopeful, but it's also honest. It reminds me I have work to do and acknowledges that I'm not 100% yet. It's also solution-focused instead of problem-focused, and that is the key difference for me. The center of my story is looking for what does work and what can work better. In the moments when fear and anxiety come up, I spend time with them and listen to them, but I always go back to how to make progress.

Strangely, I sometimes have a harder time with the smaller stories I tell myself. Some of them need some big edits.

Last week I started to recognize that I am craving face-to-face connections with other people. I have made a lot of new friends this past year, and most of them are people I've never been in the same room with. We see each other weekly or monthly online, and I feel like I genuinely care about them. And yet something in me is painfully aware that I will go weeks and weeks at a time where the only person I'm in the same room with is my husband. This is starting to feel like a smaller life than I want for myself, and I wondered how I got here.

What's the story I've been telling myself about getting out and meeting new people? The story is something like this:

It's not safe to meet new people. Either I'm going to get COVID which will bring back all my serious concussion symptoms for several weeks, or I'll spend all my energy trying to make new friends and won't have anything left for the rest of my life which is busy and hectic anyway.

Yikes! No WONDER I prefer to hang out inside with the cat or on my deck with a good book and the sounds of waterfowl in the background.

This story is completely problem-focused and offers me no solutions. It may have started as a protective measure, but now it's holding me back. With a few edits, I would remind myself that it's okay to be the only person in a room wearing a mask, and also that I know how to plan my days to include recovery from cognitively challenging activities. Another good edit would include recognition for the friendships I've maintained and improved since I moved to LA, as well as the new ones I've made with people around the world.

Having made these edits to my story, I updated my meetup account, scheduled a visit to a local toastmasters group, and reached out to join a social group nearby.

The stories we tell ourselves matter. They help us recognize not only where we are now but also the progress we have (or haven't made) in the recent past. They can be the difference between taking positive steps toward what we want and staying stuck in a place where we are unhappy.

The good news is that you are both the author and the editor of these stories. If the one your telling yourself isn't serving you, feel free to do a rewrite.